seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it