I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
