no, he came in my armpit
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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