Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm like, not good at living.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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