Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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