My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
