my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
