My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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