Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
