i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
