I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I want a musical about memes.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
