I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
