sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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