im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
