I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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