Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
