threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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