I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
