I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
