Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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