I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
