he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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