Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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