I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
