The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
