She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
