Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize