uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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