It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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