I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
zippers are such a cool invention
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize