I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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