Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
