Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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