my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
