Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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