Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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