she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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