Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
