just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
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I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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