It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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