dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
