If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
