Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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