My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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