I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
