Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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