my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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