Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
