I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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