I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
