Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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