if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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