We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
