You're my little dorito
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
