I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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