You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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