Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
