I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
