so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
