All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
