her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
