no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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