Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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