after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
